Ikea Food

 IKEA Food

I'd never actually sampled anything from the Ikea post-checkout foodish area before, mostly because when I walk by it I'm too busy trying not to collapse under a giant pile of random boards and screws that will never be compatible with any hardware I will ever own. But, INCREDIBLY, last week I was finally able to get out of the local modernist KMart with a manageable pile of crap, so I was able to finally check out the food section.

First of all, I think it's important you know that they sell caviar in toothpaste tubes. Alright, on to the things I personally ate:



 Elderflower Drinkbox
idk man, Swedish drink boxes seem really serious. Lingonberry and Elderflower are way too sophisticated for the cheez-it eating, dirt-covered child I was, that's for sure. But still. No child should have to be without Ecto Cooler. I'd give Sally Struthers 20 cents a day to fund that. Jokes aside, it's actually not too bad. It's more grape juice than flower, and it's got the same insanity sweetness that Hi-C had such good luck with, sooooo, that's alright then.






(No photo, b/c fuck these guys)
Kex Crackers
I would just like to mention these because of the disappointing fact that they aren't shaped like the entire alphabet, just the letters that spell 'Ikea'. What kid of shitty alphabet crackers can't be used to leave obscene messages on your coworkers' desks? Seriously now. Although, to be fair, leaving 'IKEA' spelled out in crackers on someone's desk is pretty confusing, and that's almost as good.


Daim 3 Pack
I just love to think that this is pronounced DAY-UM, and the spokesperson is this woman:













Rhubarb and Vanilla Tea
I have a soft spot for Rhubarb, the plant that clearly does not want you to eat it. The leaves are toxic, and the stems, though edible, are an aggressive laxative. Basically, there is no way you can eat this plant and not shit yourself. Also, when I was a kid, there was a big patch of it growing in the alley behind our house, next to the garbage cans. We didn't know how it got there, we never watered it, and somehow it managed to thrive in brutal ND weather. Personally, I think that is a sign that your plant has been channeling unholy forces, but my mom mostly just made pies out of it.

So back to the tea, which was actually a pile of pleasant surprises. First off, it was actual tea made from actual leaves, that appeared to have been harvested from an actual plant. So already a step way up from the usual 'tea' you get, which is a fine powder made from sucrose and lies. Secondly, it was proper black tea, not some weak green herbal bullshit thing. And thirdly, it was actually tasty! Really! Honestly, the worst thing I have to say about it is 'little heavy on the vanilla'.


Jelly Rats
The randomness of the gummy shapes is what got me. Rats? Really? Why? When Haribo makes some ridiculous shaped gummi, they at least give you a cute little drawing and backstory about how this dude is an Italian chef who just happens to work in gummi media only or something. This makes me feel like they'd run out of ideas at the IKEA gummy factory and did what I do when it's 2 hours before deadline and I haven't started the project: stare blankly around the room and go with the first thing I see.Also, they're grainy. And disgusting. Altho, according to Google Translate, their slogan is "good from aromatherapy" which is a pretty bold claim for both rats and gummies.

Cloudberry Jam
Which you spread on your sandwich made of dreams!!!

Bilar Chewy Candy Cars
Why are these cars? Why are they marshmallows? Why are they pastel? And most importantly, why am I eating them?