Let's Pretz!

Roast

I admit, I was kind of hoping these'd be a very non-specific meat flavored variety of roast, but alas, they were just toasty. Which was tasty enough, until it occured to me that 'toasted more' isn't actually a flavor, it's what happens when the guy manning the oven falls alseep.

Realizing I was eating a box of what are essentially little mistake sticks took some of the majesty out of my Roast Pretz experience, and I was left feeling like my snack sticks had somehow pulled a fast one on me.

Deception and lies aside, these were decent. Not very exciting, but, as I was to find out in my later Pretz experiences, sometimes that's the best you can hope for.

Salad

While these unfortunately aren't quite as amusing as the name suggests, they were easily my favorite Pretz .

They taste more or less exactly like cheap croutons, but with a slight tang. It's something on the order of the French dressing you'd get at a Bonanza. This may not sound terribly inspiring, but trust me, in light of the flavors to come, it's completely five-star. Rock on Salad Pretz.

Ebi (Grilled Shrimp)

I actually tried these last, because I was seriously afraid of them. As I've mentioned, I'm a total food wuss, and as such, I am completely against all forms of seafood, on the grounds that decent, self-respecting, edible animals do not wave their eyes around on stalks. Eyes belong in the head. In it. And as I've been avoiding seafood with much success for approximately 25 years now, I wasn't even sure what I should expect with these things. How do I know what shrimp tastes like? I don't.

Now that I've eaten them, I still have no idea what any kind of seafood tastes like, because I refuse to believe shrimp actually tastes like dirty peanut butter socks. I ate maybe a half a Pretz and was tasting (read: regretting) it for the rest of the day.

Even more disappointing was that the individual Pretz didn't have little grill marks. Way to break my heart, guys.

Maple & Butter

They aren't fucking kidding about the butter part. If there was a way to compress and dry butter into crunchy stick form, then baste it with butter, and finally roll the whole mess in butter dust, it would still have nothing on the orgasm of butter happening in these Pretz.

I have no idea if there was even any Maple flavor at them all, I was too busy listening to my arteries clog. These things caused me actual pain to eat, and I'm sure I will never enjoy buttered toast again. I only even made it through about a fourth of one of the four packets in the box. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined artificial Maple & Butter flavor capable of inflicting actual pain when eaten, but today, I stand corrected. Hoh-lee shit.

Cheeky's

Once upon a time there were two tasty cookie brothers, born of the union of an Oreo and an E.L.Fudge (you know, I didn't realize that E.L.Fudge=Elf until I was in college? Isn't that sad?). These cookies had happy little faces, and were named Giggles, which sounds more like a horror movie than a food. Or maybe a horror movie about food. But anyway, they were very tasty, and unfortunately, did not make it out of the '80s.

Except they did! They snuck off too...I can't even remember where these are from, but not the U.S, and hid there in little cookie-sized bunkers, waiting for the time to arrive when they could emerge from their isolation and reclaim their rightful place along side the Mallowmars and Chips Ahoy.

But years and years of inbreeding while in hiding had terrible consequences....grape consequences. That's right, these things are grape flavored. They have excitingly purple filling and taste like the worst thing you can imagine. Cookies are just not meant to be artificially grape flavored. I adore the taste of fake grapes, it's by far my favorite flavor of anything, but this is just wrong in an unfixable way. Largely because there is no way you can prepare yourself for it. It's bad in a way you simply cannot imagine unless you've experienced it personally.

I mean, what other cookie has ever been grape flavored? None, that's what, and with damn good reason. If it doesn't go with chocolate, it doesn't belong in a cookie, that's my new motto.

Bamba Peanut Snacks

There's a baby on your package, with a picture of the snack arranged so that it looks like a gigantic log of baby poop flying out of the baby's ass. Does this sound like smart food advertising to you? Well, it did make me buy these things, but that doesn't say much.

These were like little healthy, peanutty, kosher, Cheetos. Only they didn't really taste much like peanuts. So they were mostly just puffed air and sort of a soybean oil flavor. So all in all, a pretty depressing snack. But hey, their mascot's a baby that can play basketball! Not a lot of babies can do that,

Blue Mountain Country Cock Soup

Seriously? Not that 'rooster flavored' makes a lot more sense, but what flavor do male chickens have that isn't covered under the 'Chicken' heading? Even if there is some subtle nuance that falls outside that category, wouldn't 'poultry' probably pick it up? Did we really need to get this specific? Especially on a package already adorned with some fairly phallic carrots, and the suspiciously testiclesque onions. And that's not even mentioning the mountain in the background.

Hogs Heaven Mini Pretzels

These were actually just normal, if excessively salty, pretzels. But I had to try them, based on the tagline at the bottom of the bag. Put Some "More" South in Your Mouth" What?

Most of the south that comes to my mind is not anything I would want in my mouth, much less quote-unquote more of it. And they weren't spiced or flavored in any way, sooooo....I still don't know exactly what the Southern aspect of these things was.

Which leaves me wondering what the hell did they sneak into these pretzels that makes them "more south"-y. It has to be something, right? Otherwise why the hell would that be their slogan? Where did it come from?? God, I hope it's not related to the brand name...I have the most uncomfortable feeling that I just ate something that was fried up in pig anus oil. Ugh. Not knowing what's actually in my scary food makes it immeasurably worse than it probably is. I watched all those 20/20 exposes John Stossel and his giant moustache did in the early '90's. I know there's all kinds of crazy behind-the-scenes shit going on in my food, I just don't like it when I'm given cryptic hints to that effect. Just let me enjoy my pretzels and my denial in peace, thankyouverymuch!

McVities Milk Chocolate Digestives

I'm not sure what exactly a digestive is, but this is the heaviest package if cookies I have ever encountered. There's only like, six cookies in it, but it's a serious brick. You could chuck it at someone's head and do some actual damage, then eat the evidence. It's the perfect, tasty crime!

From the name, I had imagined them being something like a fiber grenade. As soon as you swallowed one, it hit your colon like a fucking fiber bomb, and just blew that shit all over the dining room table. Much to my disappointment, they were pretty much just ordinary cookies. Maybe a little grainer than most, but nothing that sent me running for new shorts.

Sigh.

Mini Cakes Red Velvet

I found this in the freezer section of my local Wal-Mart for 49 cents, which is about as bad a sign as there is. But! This was a tasty little cake! And it actually was red!
I don't know how or why, but these little guys rock. My compliments to whatever weird tiny bakery is cranking these babies out.

The Great Japanese KitKatastrophy...

Melon

Exactly as it sounds. You can't imagine it? Well that's because it should never have happened. I don't understand what possesses companies to make things taste like melon. Melons don't even taste like melon.

Yogurt
Well. Thank god this one was just a fun-size. I was expecting something akin to the yogurtish coating that makes even raisins (nature's cookie and bagel ruiner) tasty. But what I got was very, very different. I'm not sure what exactly these were coated with, but 'not yogurt' just about sums it up.
They were sweet. Nastily, cloyingly, filling-damagingly sweet, kind of like the weird sweetness of white chocolate x1,000. And sort of off-tasting, like they were rotting somehow, despite having been teased into existence from the least organic substances the planet has to offer. All in all, I got no semblance to yogurt out of these, other than that they're both white and unpleasant.


Cafe Latte
I don't understand how we can not have these in the US. Not because they're particularly tasty, but because every other food here that can have coffee added, has.
These guys were pretty much exactly what you'd expect if Starbucks made crappy chocolate. A bland, watery milkish coating over nondescript little wafers. Very non-offensive. Not too coffee tasting, because we don't want to scare the kiddies. I predict it's only a matter of time on these things' American debut.
UPDATE!
Since I haven't been paying much attention to American candies lately, as they've been getting progressively dumber and dumber, I missed the Limited Edition Coffee flavor KitKats.
Unsurprisingly, THEY'RE BAD. They taste like the air in one of those coffee shops that middle aged women hang out in. Usually these places sell a lot of unbearably cute knickknacks and rubber stamps and things of that nature.

Takagi
The main problem I have with importing candies is not that they are generally pretty bad (I like that), it's that I don't write down what I order, and when a big 'ol box of foreign candy shows up at my door a couple weeks later, I have long since forgotten what actual flavors these things are supposed to be. At any point in time I could biting into a squid 'n chicken creme, and I'd have no idea.
This one, at least, has the romanization of the flavor name written on it, although I'm not sure why that would be, considering. I'm not complaining, however. At least I can look this one up, or I could if I wasn't so lazy. From the picture on the front, I'm guessing some variety of persimmon / pomegranate type affair. The heart motif all over the outer and inner package made me a little nervous, because maybe animal heart flavor is a routine candy additive in Kit Kats, I don't know.
But these actually turned out to be pretty ok. They were dark chocolate, of which I heartily approve, and some weird tangy flavor creme that you could hardly taste anyway. So if it was heart squeezings, at least it was from one of the tastier-hearted animals.

Spam Spread with Pineapple

It looks like cat food, it smells like cat food, and it comes in one of those little cat food tins.
I would write this off as a labeling mix-up at the Fancy Feast factory, if not for the tiny pineapple chunks imbedded in it, which, frankly, did not help matters, and just made me wonder if there was a pineapple related accident over one of the mixing vats. Hopefully this accident created some sort of half cat half fruit supervillian.

Coca-Cola Chocolate Flavor Rage

I can understand if you're not familiar with this one, I don't think it ever made it past its test market of Midwestern towns with a population of <1000 .="" actually="" any="" are="" br="" denizens="" failures="" hilarious="" majorly="" matter.="" on="" out="" people="" prairie="" proverbial="" report="" tend="" test="" the="" they="" things="" to="" unlikely="" where="" who="">
"No, I'm serious, it was chocolate flavoring, and you put it in your Coke! I saw it with my own eyes!"
"Sure you did Ed, suuuuuure you did."
" I'm tellin' the truth! Rip to rage!! Rip to rage!!"

Spotted Dick

Yes, I know this isn't funny to anyone outside the US, but let's all just get together here be immature for a moment. I actually somehow missed this when I was in England, but fortunately the Cost Plus World Market is here and ready to rectify the oversight.

I admit the only reason I bought it was juvenile laughs, but amazingly, and as is usually not the case when I'm buying food for comedy purposes, this was really quite tasty. It turned out to be similar to a giant muffin. In a can. The can part took a little getting used to, since a large can-shaped muffin is not the most appetizing thing to sit down to, but all in all, enjoyable, *and* microwavable!

Sac Sac Orange

I don't know which is better, the name Sac Sac, or the illustration of the orange totally blowing the aforementioned all over the can. I was a little afraid to open this because it came to me from Japan, and we all know about bukkake. Maybe orange juice is the newest permutation in ejaculation fetishry. God knows I'm not in on that particular grapevine.

All in all, the drink turned out not to be that scary, although after the Day Babies, I really don't want anything suspended in my beverages, natural components of the fruit or not.

Bubble Gum Soda

The Hubba Bubba soda, of course, is from the 80's, and can therefore be excused as another wacky relic of a coke-damaged decade. Although I do think the diet option was a nice touch, if you're concerned about your figure, but just can't resist the gum-flavored refreshment of Hubba Bubba.

No, what worries me is the Shasta, which I picked up just this year, albeit at a Pamida, something else I thought disappeared in the 80's.
Shasta has appeared with this drink to fill a need which does not exist. Two, actually. The first, for pop that tastes exactly like bubble gum, which we've been over, and the second, tiny little cans. Why? Who do you know out there that simply cannot handle a full 16oz of pop? I'm seeing 7up and Coke doing this now too, and it worries me. Have they calculated the exaaaact amount of bubble gum soda modern man can handle before suffering dire consequences? What exactly is in this little can of horrors??
These are the things that worry me late at night. But in summary: bubble gum has no business coming in liquid form, and in this I also include fluoride flavors that you get at the dentist's. Everyone asked for the bubble gum one time, and then spent the next 20 minutes sorely regretting it. Gah.

About Beverages

Ah, beverages.

I LOVE beverages. They may be the one thing in my pointless meandering little existence that frankly makes it all worthwhile. Some people create things of great beauty and inspiration, some find themselves in helping others, I really really like Diet Dr. Pepper.

Konjac

What's great about these is that they have already killed one small child, and will kill you next.

Actually, after eating a bag of them, I can actually see it. The things do kind of spread out in your mouth and try to sneak down your throat.

But much more important than that is that they are the exact texture and consistency of mucus. No kidding. Cheerful flavored mucus that comes in little heart shaped cups. Lovely!

Chocolate Velamints

If you are a normal person, right now you're saying, 'Velamints? I thought they stopped making them around the time I cut my rattail off, and stopped dressing like the unholy offspring of a cocker spaniel and a barber's pole.

If you don't recall, before that punk Werther brought his caramels and slightly pedophilic commercials showed up on the scene, these were *the* old people mint. Proudly taking their place along side Skor bars , Reisens, and those unidentifiably flavored blue disks everyone avoided in the pick-a-mixes.

They're back these days, and while they are fairly tasty, the inner paper wrapper bears this disturbing legend. I can't take a mint out of the box without feeling vaguely molested. Really, 'fits perfectly in your mouth'? glide back again? I know I've seen those same phrases trying to sell me a dildo.

Brownulated Sugar

This is what happens when you shop for food at the local wholesaler-reject store.

Although, it does make a sad sort of sense. Of course us poor people can't afford extravagances like brown sugar. So we have to get by with plain sugar that's been brownulated, a highly technical process that I'm guessing involves brown crayons and a cheese grater.

Do not use it to make tapioca.

Do not use it to make pink lemonade.

in praise of bad food and worse beverages

First, a word about me and food.

I have a deep-seated psychological terror of any food that was not a regular part of my diet by age six. And while, given the infinite nature of the human psyche, it may never be truly possible to uncover the deep-seated reason for my fears, if I had to sum it up in one sentence, it would be 'My mom worked nights.'

And so, until the age of 14 or 15, my dad was responsible for the feeding of his only child. And while I'm sure he didn't want to totally destroy up the one shot he had at retiring early on his offspring's dime, he is at the core a guy, and as such, his philosophy towards mealtime was 'as long as no one comes down with scurvy, I'm doing my job.'

So I grew up on a diet of exclusively microwavable foods that consisted of no more than three ingredients total. With salt and pepper counting as one each.

Even now that I'm a mature, tax-paying, college educated adult, my diet consists of basically three groups: the Death Starch Foods (bread, pasta, giant dandruff-style mashed potato flakes, violently neon orange crackers, etc) the Freeze-Pop group, and Comedy Food, which is not, in fact, for eating.

And since I get such entertainment out of this last group, I've decided to share my experiences with you, the bored nerd trying to avoid work. It's the least I can do.