Let's Pretz!

Roast

I admit, I was kind of hoping these'd be a very non-specific meat flavored variety of roast, but alas, they were just toasty. Which was tasty enough, until it occured to me that 'toasted more' isn't actually a flavor, it's what happens when the guy manning the oven falls alseep.

Realizing I was eating a box of what are essentially little mistake sticks took some of the majesty out of my Roast Pretz experience, and I was left feeling like my snack sticks had somehow pulled a fast one on me.

Deception and lies aside, these were decent. Not very exciting, but, as I was to find out in my later Pretz experiences, sometimes that's the best you can hope for.

Salad

While these unfortunately aren't quite as amusing as the name suggests, they were easily my favorite Pretz .

They taste more or less exactly like cheap croutons, but with a slight tang. It's something on the order of the French dressing you'd get at a Bonanza. This may not sound terribly inspiring, but trust me, in light of the flavors to come, it's completely five-star. Rock on Salad Pretz.

Ebi (Grilled Shrimp)

I actually tried these last, because I was seriously afraid of them. As I've mentioned, I'm a total food wuss, and as such, I am completely against all forms of seafood, on the grounds that decent, self-respecting, edible animals do not wave their eyes around on stalks. Eyes belong in the head. In it. And as I've been avoiding seafood with much success for approximately 25 years now, I wasn't even sure what I should expect with these things. How do I know what shrimp tastes like? I don't.

Now that I've eaten them, I still have no idea what any kind of seafood tastes like, because I refuse to believe shrimp actually tastes like dirty peanut butter socks. I ate maybe a half a Pretz and was tasting (read: regretting) it for the rest of the day.

Even more disappointing was that the individual Pretz didn't have little grill marks. Way to break my heart, guys.

Maple & Butter

They aren't fucking kidding about the butter part. If there was a way to compress and dry butter into crunchy stick form, then baste it with butter, and finally roll the whole mess in butter dust, it would still have nothing on the orgasm of butter happening in these Pretz.

I have no idea if there was even any Maple flavor at them all, I was too busy listening to my arteries clog. These things caused me actual pain to eat, and I'm sure I will never enjoy buttered toast again. I only even made it through about a fourth of one of the four packets in the box. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined artificial Maple & Butter flavor capable of inflicting actual pain when eaten, but today, I stand corrected. Hoh-lee shit.